sephiiiii

29 . Female

Plural . Christian
Indigenous Artist

Mine Girlfriend

ummmm very wip sorry

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teh story of Sephiwaffle...

My Girlfriend + Me

Some parts of this story may seem standard to the Internet users love quests in the 21st century... but I still think our story is worth mentioning because she is:
1) someone very special to me, my history, and my everyday life
2) genuinely a very interesting lady
3) we are a package deal. buy one get one. no returns! do not separate.

How we met...

On being a System

I have Dissociative Identity Disorder (which I am very good with managing at this stage of my life). Personally, I don't like the label because I view it as a spiritual/creative light at the end of my darkness, it isn't something I would 'want to treat' or eliminate (but I can understand why others might feel that way for their own systems, intergration just is not a goal for me). It is something that has protected me and allows me to feel life more widely, to feel things for the first time, for the fourth time. In my friendships and relationships, I am able to connect multiple aspects of myself to them in unique ways, appreciating numerous angles of intimacy.
That being said... It has been extremely difficult, particularly in growing up isolated, alone, a freak, totally out of control of myself, whatever that was... especially when I didn't have the language or tools to understand what was happening to me. After a lot of therapy, research, and just straight up self reflection and putting the pieces together, now that I understand, I have reached a peace with (all of) myself.
I am very lucky that the friends that I do have and the partner, Ciel, accept me for all that I am. Jules in particular was key in this journey for me and has provided a lot of insight on the topic. I believe at some point, she will be hosting resources on the matter on her website, which I will recommend here at that time.
However, for this reason, making and maintaining a friendship with me can be notoriously difficult, so I am sorry in advance about that. If you want to get to know me, just keep spamming me with 'hi' or random conversation. I always appreciate it and that gives me a chance for more than one alter to warm up to you. I can only really become friends with flexible and understanding people.
I like to view my systems in terms of color quadrants, with each alter belonging more or less to one over the other, and colors stemming from an original trinity of colors (that no longer exist in that root form anymore from years and years of survival splits). I'm way more stable now, with no major splits, only ebbs and flows of hosts and a pretty even distribution of alters back and forth. The majority of my system is (mostly) dormant at any given time, considering they serve specific function, and I am no longer in the situations that they were trained to thrive in.
I think awareness is really important. I think more people need to talk about DID and other conditions because there are many interests which work tirelessly to erase the legitmacy of the condition in order to suit their desires and to cover crimes and accountability for their actions.
I don't believe in arbitrary rules of any form regarding DID or related conditions, including rules from the DSM or whatever elected authority figure. Therapists and most of the "mental health" industrial complex are paid to lie to you. The mind is an impossibily complicated gift from God. Everyone will present differently, everyone is a unique case. I have known people with 100+ alters and I have known people with 2. Neither is superior to the other. Also, the habit many people are invested in, of "trauma olympics", is ridiculous, and quite frankly insulting. Pain is all within ones perspective. What may be everyday for me may be traumatic for you, and who am I to judge that, or the severity of your feelings? If you are a system, you are a system, it is not for me or any netizen to judge that for you. I do think that there needs to be a distinction from traumagenic versus endogenic, just for the matter that they manifest much differently than one another and require vastly different strategies of coping (for example, some people may feel as though it is totally recreational, and that you can just play pretend with extra steps and zero consequences, which is where I presume this matter has become such a heated topic), but I strongly resent the idea that any one way of being is "more important".
I believe that you must sit with yourself, and introduce yourself to yourself and to take accountability for your flaws, regardless of who or what put them there, or how unfair or unjustified it was. Yes, there will be pain, the unreal pain of having to let go. But it beats drowning in the ocean of your own sorrows (because trust me, you will).
Indeed, you may say, I have lived life as a wounded, abandoned shelter dog, but now what? Who will I become now that the gates are open and I am finally free? Where will I run when there is no leash to stop me, and no one left to prevent me but myself and the (very real) memories of the things that haunt me, that will always haunt me?
You really have to do it all for yourself and you have to do it in the way that makes sense to you. You have to decide what that means and whatever conclusion you come up with is the truth. This is just mine, it may not fit with you or resonate, but it is more than enough for me.