mom (i know there are typos i have stopped caring sorry)

Talking to Mom today about the car. We got it. Can't believe it. I actually can't believe it until it's here like I said. She told me a fortune teller told her that I was coming home and in a very dark period of my life and needed to see the light. Weird. I don't believe in that kind of thing anymore, that it can be good. But my Mom does, more than me, which is funny how things turn around. She keeps telling me to keep talking to this lady therapist for my mental health but the sessions are just me pretending I don't have any problems. The lady can't really understand me. We just talk about surface level stuff. Yeah, things are stressful but they are for everyone, how are you, I'm just tired thanks for asking. Working hard on cleaning the house, or whatever. I don't have any thoughts you can't understand, that aren't unconventional. Just an ordinary girl with ordinary wants and goals, yup.

I feel better after talking to her sometimes, the therapist, but I think I just feel better about minimizing everything into understandable concepts. It kind of feels nice to pretend my issues are just my father (the parts that are appropriate to discuss in public), or the general pagentry my people get on with. To pretend that I'm nervous of people solely because I'm insecure competing with myself in the past. Like yes, those things are true, but I'm holding back all my horses. Lol.

I'll keep talking to her, it just feels like a waste of her time. So I just let her have the victories and say things like wow I never thought of that ever before in my life, that is so insightful, you've really helped me today. Etc. And overall just be pleasant and laugh. It's not like it isn't true because like I said, I do feel better after hte conversation.... I just can't explain to Mom why it can't work. Mom doesn't know what's going on with me and hasn't even when I was really, really sick. And I've tried to explain it to her in a way that is delicate, I know I've told her I have PTSD and she's never asked 'from what' but it sort of hangs there. I think she just ignores it because she's seen me go through so many phases. Like when I was a kid and constantly pretended to be a vampire. But like, that was real to me, and compulsive. Like yes I was "lying to everyone" on paper but I believed it totally in my fucked up head this huge narrative I'd designed you know. But that's what she sees I guess. It's like the same thing of when I thought I was transgender and tried to transition and Mom just kind of was like, this is like the vampire era all over again. And it was true, that I wasn't actually trans but I just had a lot of issues and couldn't find a place for myself as a woman and I didn't feel safe. But like, that's not really hte point here the point is that even after I had the conversation with her that I was wrong about it she still says I'm nonbinary to people, and she's started saying I have ADHD (I have no idea why or where that came from). I think a lot about her talking about me stacking cans and being generally retarded as a toddler but she never says I'm autistic. I feel like it's obvious I am eventhough I really do not want to identify that way and it scares me. I think mental illness beamed into your brain at the radiaiton level it is being beamed into your mind makes you a little 'autistic'. Sometimes I feel like it's dumb to say you're even mentally ill. Like ok, you get that the world is totally fucked up and can't align with what you have been taught your entire life. The opposite is true about basically everything. You aren't safe from other people, can never be. And when you die you will most likely go to a pit of infinite suffering because you can't determine the ruleset we play life with, nor can I. And so. Why wouldn't that make you fucked in the head? I feel like, if you are exposed to the reality of the world, things like rape and torture and abductions, the stuff they do to children is so terrible and mind crushing that it would deep fry your brain in your skull so hot no wonder they had me on so many pills. But it's stupid, pills are so stupid, what, a medication is supposed to make me forget about how fucked up everything is? Like magic? Oh yeah, I'm the issue, the problem of my sadness and my grief is me being flawed and broken and 'seeing too much'. Ok. It's not that, it's fucked up to do that and behave like that. The issue is 'our society' and no amount of government funded kickback perscription medication is going to make me forget that or validate all of the horrible things I know are going on. Like ok, maybe I could be happy if I could truly, honestly forget. I mean, that's why we all got addicted to drugs right? That's how we all get our vices. Thats why we sexualize what we choose to sexualize, just to cope with the smothering truth of it all, to gain some kind of power back into our own fist. Lol. It's hopeless but it's true.

People that live in normal world who, you know, 'those people' would call "neurotypicals", who , I would, if I was still as deeply imbedded into that culture as I wasa few years ago, those Normal people are only Normal because they are somehow self absorbed or in their own bubble for some rhyme or reason to not think about how fucked it all is. Oh, everyone has anxiety now. You hear it on songs on the radio, predictive programming "I wanna kill myself, I'm so anxious I'm going to throw up" we're all feeling it because it certainly is hard to live in that bubble now, isn't it.

My Mom makes me sad because I do love her and I want her to not be afraid of me but I know that she is and has been since the world began to change me, since I became to manifest into a person she couldn't recognize anymore, outside the idea she held of who or what I was. I love her but it hurts me that she excludes me from her life, and I know it's out of fear and also out of love but also she's a lot like me, she's avoidant, she has PTSD, the doctors looked at both of our symptoms in a vaccum and had us on the exact same perscription: oh you have bipolar, you have depressive bipolar--- you're different from your mom, so I think you have that and schizophrenia. It's all the same thing, really. What do they know, we only met five minutes ago.

Anyway, I have to see more people now, and I have to pretend I'm normal now. I'm really not sure what to say today. I'm fairly certain no one will talk to me. Which is good. I can just smile and nod. I didn't eat today, I haven't been hungry, I'm really addicted to junk food apparently. The start of my diet wasn't as hard as right now (8 or 9 days in I believe), my body is on strike and only wants to eat specific food and if it isn't that I feel nauceuous and don't want to eat anything. I tried really hard to eat the eggs Ciel cooked yesterday and it was fine, it was good, I just couldn't even finish it. So weird, as I started this diet to stop my binge eating primarily, which felt like was something so compuslive I could never control it. And now I just don't want to eat at all. What gives? Why couldn't I turn this on before? SO weird. I'm hungry now, at least. I don't know what I'll do at the resteraunt. I hope I don't totally cave in and choose the highest calorie option. I'm trying not to eat carbs or sugar and also trying to shave 1000 calories off of what I eat every day. Which sounds really unhealthy but I'm genuinely (like medically) fat so it's not unhealthy. I don't need to eat 2000 calories like I will be ok. Lol.

So since I just had a coffee today, I should be able to eat whatever at the dinner even if I totally lose control and cave. I think either way I'm letting myself have a diet coke. That shit is so bad for you but fuck does it ever feel good. I've been in and out of drinking it since I was in grade one. I remember, as a kid, me and my sister and my mom were all hooked on it, genuinely addicted to it, grade 3, those thick glass shrek glasses from mcdonalds. Oh man. Weird what kind of stuff you can get addicted to. But I've given it up in bursts, sometimes years at a time as well. And I haven't had it in a long time. I could order water. It's hard. My relationship with food is so weird. I use it as a coping mechanism which is always really bad and probably why it got so out of control and why a diet change so strict was so nessecary. My whole family has a really fucked up relationship with food too so it's hard to keep my own goals in line when I have to be around them. Wow, I complain about my family a LOT...........................

I'm not trying to blame them for everything, seriously. I am responsible for myself and my own actions and choices, it just is an added obstacle. And I'm already finding it really hard. The hardest part is going to be coming home and choosing to keep doing what I'm doing rather than just letting go and indulging to self soothe and satisfy. The thing is, it never really soothes and it can never, ever be enough because, I'm always scared and I'm always nervous, I'm always feeling upset. I don't know of any other outlets that are effective for me, as I'm really feeling recently since forcing this diet. Everything feels so much harder when I can't eat my feelings. But I can't do that. I have to find other things, I have to make other things work. I don't want to be like this my whole life, I'm so ashamed of myself, I don't like being fat and I don't have any hard feelings towards anyone who is in fact I have so much empathy and I do believe it can be beautiful and healthy in some people but it's really not for me, it holds me back from so much. I'd love to reconnect with people but I won't because I'm bigger than I was, and that's scary. And I'd love to go out and do things but I won't let myself go outside because like, I'm fat. That really matters to me. It sounds so stupid when I write it out but like it's real to me. My mom has had issues her whole life with her self image and always told us stuff like "no one will ever love you" kind of stuff and a lot of things she taught us feel true even if they are not true and internalized a lot of the way she felt about herself about myself. And she's not as fat as me, you know and she never was. So I look at myself, I hear her, and I know she was on way too many pills and under way too much stress and basically a single parent at that point so it's not really her fault and I'm not mad at her specifically for htat I don't hate her, it's just the truth that I absorbed a lot of her self-loathing like a sponge. And I'm her in a lot of ways. It scares me, I don't want to become my parents. (I think the biggest reason is because they are very unhappy people. ANd I want to be happy really bad).

Breaking cycles is really hard I think the hardest thing you can ever do is reparent and relearn how to behave and act on a fundemental level. Like, I'm really struggling with it. Something someone smarter than me said before is this: we are never our past selves. We can't ever be them, we are literally different people.

That's true. I internalized that, I thought about it a lot. Mentally, I can't be this person I feel like I must be or the person that people imagine whenever I sit across from them. They're seeing something or someone that isn't there. I'm not isolated, I'm not helpless like I was, I'm not lonely. I have a family in J and Ciel, I have a home of my own. I steer my own life. I don'tthink I could connect with anyone I used to connect with even if I tried really hard to because fundamentally, I'm not that self. That's ok. That's liberating. So that means all these cycles, all these loops and things I keep swirling myself in, like all of the spiraling beliefs and rituals with food and my self worth, etc. aren't real, don't have to be real, because if I'm "Someone else" anyway then obviously new rules apply. And I can invent those rules. So that's what I'm doing---or trying to do.

I think a lot about how, as a kid, I ate out of a mircowave for everything because no one taught me how to cook and I was on my own a lot. Now, I don't have a mircowave and haven't eaten out of one for... wow, going on four or so years now. My family has commented multiple times on it, shocked, you don't have a mircowave?!? that's so weird, how do you reheat stuff? how do you eat?. Why does it matter first of all. But secondly, it's because I have different values now that I've come to view the world from my own perspective. I don't know. It's something that doesn't matter to anybody else and should'nt matter to anyone else because it has nothing to do with them. THey view it as proof I'm schizo and paranoid but ultimately it's so harmless and should'nt mean anything to them. This is how it always is when I deviate from the perscribed norm.

I have to stop caring. I don't care, but I do. At the same time.

I think I am really proving myself wrong here because this whole thing I wrote is only a very "mentally ill person" would take the time to write in circles in a (technically) public space like this

Please God, I hope no one but me reads these things.

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08/19/2023

Feeling: pain. want to eat bad foods
Now Playing: Silent Hill 3 - End of Small Sanctuary