what more could go wrong?

Hi, so I didn't post any journal entries for a while. Life has been really kicking me while I am down. It's been really sad. And really hard.
I miss my Grandmother a lot, I miss places I can't return a lot. I have nightmares about it. I keep wanting to have a dream about her but I never do.. I had a dream about my childhood dog but I failed her, she was going up the stairs and fell in the dream and it turned into a nightmare where her body was all messed up and no one would help me take her to the vet. IRL is a nightmare too for different reasons.
I do not like the city evil creatures live here.
I need to leave.
At the beginning of the month, I did a lot of Artfight which was good because I figured out a simple chibi style and got back into the swing of things. I developed some characters and a story.
My birthday came and it was sad because J couldn't be here but she was on the phone (she got out of treatment and has been with her Dad for a while) and J and Ciel put in a ton of effort to make things nice even though my family made me sad (for a lot of complicated, weird reasons that are just too hard to explain here).
I've been crying over a lot of things recently from my family matters to matters of health, the house, the weather has been causing all kinds of problems. It's really hard renting because you have little agency to take care of problems and have to beg your landlord to help you. Begging for help makes me feel very small and like I felt when I was a child.

Regardless, I've been putting off journaling because I don't want to sound like a whiny bitch about it all. And it's hard tiptoeing around what I'd like to share, but will not because that would be unsafe for me to do.
Ciel has been really good to me through all of this even through all of my really embarrassing panic attacks. We went through all of the anxiety pills and I don't have a renew on the perscription. I hate having to take weed to help with the fear. I'm scared of everything. Spent a lot of days terrified to get out of my bed. : )

The good things:
I learned I really liked burritos this month. I tried this new shop one night on a whim (we couldn't use our sink because the guy had to take it apart to fix one of the many problems) and I wanted Ciel to eat something healthier so we ordered Mexcian and I was kinda shocked how much I liked it. Pineapple, steak.... love......
Ciel drew my frame and the mascot so I was able to complete the 2.0 launch of the website. J helped me with frames and getting everything positioned. I do not have enough paitence for that right now with the level of stress I'm at. Having this website to work on FINALLY has been a lifesaver, I can kill entire days which is... REALLY needed when I'm at this level of fear and waiting around for repairmen to show up (who keep ghosting us).
It was funny to watch 1/4th of the new Final Fantasy XVI game. It's really bad. What makes it bad is Clive's voice actor. He sounds like he's jacking off about how HOT and SEXY he, the Voice Actor is. Has that weird syndrome where the voice actor is too close to the mic. He keeps doing weird shit on twitter and being too engaged with the fanbase. So he thinks he's really hot shit. Genuinely ruins aspects of the game and makes them hilarious because you can't hear the 'character'. They also decided everyone should be British because that's "high fantasy" and blantantly tries to be "game of thrones" light. Sex. In my Final Fantasy????!????

Me and Ciel started Final Fantasy IX, really cute game. We do voices out loud for all the characters. She does a wonderful Steiner impression and it has made me love the character. The juxstaposition of this game to XVI is insane.
J comes home tonight and gets in early in the morning : )
I found a cool PlayStation emulator that is so much better than PSX. I was reminded of that cute Silent Hill circumcision theory guy (where is he now, I would love to talk to him at length) and I think I will play Silent Hill (finally) soon.
We went to WalMart for a few things and I got myself a surprise ball of FASHION toys of whatever on a whim thinking they might be a good size for Play Arts and they were perfect. Zack Fair is now holding a pink designer bag.
I signed up for a course in the language of my tribe which will be really cool to learn.
I registered for my courses for the fall and got into the ones I wanted and I get to share classes with either Ciel or J for all of them except for the one that is online.
I settled on a fursona design that I actually like and got a lot of art of it during artfight. ^^
Prob already mentioned it but Ciel is my hero
I can't remember what else I just wanted to write something here so that I can remember what happened later on. Down the line.
Oh they're trying to say aliens are real which is so glow in the dark........................... demonic forces........ at work.......................................
All I could think was I am soooo glad that I do not have that phobia anymore since I found out the truth (or MY truth about it) about that type of stuff. Cos I would be having more of a meltdown than I already am.

I hope things will get better. I hope we can get a car soon. I hope my moms health will be ok. I hope that we all can be happy.
I hope the house will be ok. I hope I can get enough money to live. I hope that this year will be better than the last. I hope J is ok and that her treatment helped her.
I really would like if Ciel could get a break soon becaue I feel like she has to do so much to help me and I don't feel it's fair. I feel really embarrassed about how my trauma makes me freak out and then she has to see me like howling crying into a towel or whatever and being all.. fucking weird terrorized by 'normal things'. Not to sound obnoxious but I really wish I was normal on the other hand I hate "normal people" a lot and I know I shouldn't hate it's really not Christian of me but I' m just so mad about a lot of stuff. Because I'm sad. About a lof ot things. When you get really, really, really, really, sad it just kind of bubbles into a weird kind of malice. I woudl love to be left alone. I would love to run away. I keep wanting to give 90% of what I own away and shave my hair or something (really weird for me because I hardly cut my hair because I believe your hair has psychic powers). I want to reinvent myself and be fresh and clean and new.
I felt happy today when I looked at a snapchat filter, it was one that shows you a version of yourself that is old. I liked how I looked a lot. I would be happy to get to grow old enough to be that. It looked like my Grandmother was looking back at me I could see her in my face. I never felt like I looked like her so it was really nice. I really miss her. I wish I could tell her about everything but then I also know she would have really worried about the situations we've been in. Lol. What a predicament. I would have hidden a lot from her to not make her worry, but I tell myself if she was here I'd tell her everything, if I had the chance to redo it.
I wonder if my Grandparents think I'm foolish. I wonder what they think about my life and choices. I make a lot of bad choices. I'm not a good person. I wonder if they like me anymore. If 'they' still exist in a form that can think. Most adults and family get sick of you when you get old and weird like me.
I wonder.

I don't know if I would like myself if I wasn't myself. I think I'd hate me. Especially if I had access to my mind or my reasoning.
I hate myself now. I might always hate myself. I'm shocked when people don't hate me. It's kind of disturbing when Ciel and J say they like me as much as they do. What do I offer you? I'm a loser. I freeze up at so many things that other people laugh off or let go. I'm a control freak. I'm a hypocrite, especially about wanting to walk with God which is just about the most important thing a person can do or want to do. I'm scared of God. I feel secure and then I don't. I feel safe and then I really feel the pure primal fear of God. I want to know Him but then I don't like actually read the Bible because then I get too many questions or I spiral out of control. I don't try my best though I really don't and I really could. I could make time. I have so many vices and I have very little self discipline to just... stop. I'm scared God will say "I don't know you, turn from me" and send me to hell. They say God hates lukewarm Christians more than those that reject Him completely. I'm not lukewarm in that I don't believe because I KNOW, I know, I know. I know. It's all real. I just. I can't talk about it here. One day I'd like to find a denomination I like and be baptised as an adult and maybe find a sense of community. I tried it with Catholics but then I decided I hate the organization of it and the Pope is evil and the organization of it is scary. ALso when I went to these meetings at our huge church I started talking about this, very simply like this like holding a lot back and censoring myself and my true feelings, presenting myself in the most tame way possibe. And everyone looked at me like I was absolutely insane. None of the people leading it oculd answer any of my questions. It was just a lot of people who were scared to die and wanted some immaterial reward or dog treat for doing fuck all.
I don't want "stuff" I just want there to be a logic to reality and I want to follow what is good and true and I want to be transmuted into something Good. I want God to use me for whatever purpose He wants me to be used for I want to be useful in that way. I want to be rescued from the evils of the world and from damnation and the horrific stuff that I KNOW IS VERY REAL. I think it would be nice if it were just as simple as you get like lost into the Everything that is God but also I fantasize sometimes about going to a big kitchen with a wood stove and my grandparents are there and my old dogs lol, I don't think that's realistic but it would be cool to be the last vision before I die. But I don't think that is the point of the religion this whole reward thing is weird, very entitled. Way more is at stake here people. I will never belong to the World but I want to belong to God. I want to feel a level of confidence about God that I can lay my entire life down for Him without fear or hesitation. I'm scared though. Everyone lies to me. Everything is a puzzle. It takes so long to figure things out how they actually are. I was so brainwashed. I'm learning how to be a person and how to love and be loved and what is normal every single day. It take so much work. I'm only just understanding the elements of Genesis for what they really, truly are and how REAL the weight of it is. More real than anything else. THe greatest story ever told. I'm being tested. We all are. Figure it out if you care enough. Try if you care enough. I want to know you. I want to know who you are. I want to know the truth.