2023: March
thoughts
hi again
got another grade back for a different class and got a lot lower than I was expecting (70) so im kind of sad about that seeing as I was doing a lot better last semester. Idk English classes really suck the books are all bad and it makes my head feel all stirred up to try and figure out how to engage with it "in the right way" especially since everything is so freaking political. It's so annoying can we just read a book and live please. (I say this but all of the textbooks I read this semester have been heavy handed spoonfeeding you bullshit, thinly veiled nonsense)
i have to travel soon for personal reasons which makes me sad because i dont like leaving my found family it makes me feel really not good.
today is ok though like i was able to stay home and just clear my head out and think about FF8 and minecraft. We are going to all play minecraft together soon. I invented a minecraft au which i am sure there will be art of eventually... when i will post my art on this website is a total mystery...
i had a weird nightmare last night that was like my brain autogenerating a creepypasta where you like (in the dream) found friends suggested to you on facebook based on similar interest clouds and then like if you kept surfing the similar interest thought clouds and scanning through suggestions so like hopping from 'you and x love pokemon' to 'you and x love sunny days' etc to more niche things eventually you would hit interests that don't technically exist. i guess my brain is processing like too many mandela effect things. anyway, in the dream it showed this weird like one eye zoomed in (bad symbolism) and it was like 'you and x like THING THAT DOES NOT EXISTS NAME i already have it repressed) in the dream, i was on facebook scrolling or whatever so i get the shit scared out of me cos somehow i instantly know its a freaky mandela type of deal "alternate dimension" or whatever
anyway i woke up in the middle of hte night stressed about it and crying about something else that happened before which i think was just grief from loss, missing people you know how it is. disoriented me a lot even today i keep thinking parts of my dream were real. i read somewhere, that when you dream you 'arent supposed to' dream of social media or using hte computer or whatever, like your brain can't visualize like timelines or something. I did think that was true for the longest time because i never dreamt of a social media feed or a computer screen (id dream i was like, using the computer itself but i would not see it literally i would just intuit what was on it) . however, i found ever since 2020 ? i can now dream social media feeds and stuff. very weird. maybe its a collective unconcious thing? since everything moved online then??? who knows. something to think about. another thing to consider is that i *thought* read/heard that but it isn't even true... idk though. ive asked some friends about it when the topic of dreams has come up. not that i like. love talking about my dreams or whatever bcs most of them are nightmares that are pointless to reflect on. but sometimes i have visions in my dreams that are really important, like this one dream that i had of a white whale, or the people of clay in the pit of a steel triangle....
ciel is catching up on some of her recorded lectures and J is cleaning her part of her room since we have someone our landlord hired to come do an inspection tomorrow or osmething. im just here looking at minecraft builds thinking about what i will do when we BRING forth our minecraft world. man minecraft is so relaxing and nice but i always feel guilt when i want to play it because its a total timesink. i think to myself... oh yeah, minecraft would be fun, but i should probably keep making progress on beating ff8 or like you know, anything else i have on the go...
speaking of 8, we just got to the part where we are steering the ship towards balamb again. wtf is up with NORG and him being in an egg digivolving or whatever that random dude said. i do not like NORG. he gives me anxiety.
someone should give zell a hotdog. i would give zell a hotdog. we got these corner store hotdogs are that are pretty ok but i appreciate them a lot more knowing zell would go psycho to have one.
i think this weekend will be nice. i think tonight will be nice.
hope your day is nice.
love,
sephi
03/06/2023
Feeling: grgrgrgrrrrrrrrrr
Now Playing:
video
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*stares at you with lonely eyes* hi
hi
I have a bunch of stuff to do but I am doing that thing where i put as much of it off as possible. i got a bad grade in one of my classes even though i put my best foot forward with it. feeling sad/anxious and i emailed my professor to see what could be done which is... more stress inducing because im scared they're going to flip out at me (the everlasting ideology i carry forever that everyone will yell at me and curse at me for asking basic questions.... trauma is forever baby).
we are also running out of groceries for the house so we have been forced to get extremely creative. it is really nice that pancakes are so easy to make but now we are running out of butter so who knows what we will have to resort to. lol. its ok though.
ive been alternating between this 'ultimate truth iceberg' (i have links and stuff but contact me if you want those i dont want to host that) and these like minecraft videos which is like whiplash worthy of a content switch but basically ni the sun im thinking the iceberg isnt scary then the sun sets and im like oh fuck im not safe in my own skin nothing is real *dissociating* and hten the minecraft videos make me feel foamy (in a good way) enough to be able to sleep.
me and ciel got pretty far in 8 from where we last were. we got to the part where selphie decides to put on a band performance for you and like. masterfully failed it. we arent playing with a guide so we didnt know that you were actually going to be tested on if the instruments matched. trying to watch the scene be all serious between squall and rinoa was difficult when it was just chaos of our mistakes ringing out in the background distantly... LOL. It's really fun to not play with a game guide because then it feels more 'genuine' and we get to achieve the sense of victory when we figure things out but yeah... I really wonder what would've happened if we had picked better? we had zell play the guitar, quistis the sax, guy whose name i still cant rememberoh i remembered irvine not sure if i like him yet still play the piano (he's like a bootleg zelos to me but nowhere near as cute), and selphie played violin. we all agreed that it seemed the most fitting or cute to imagine lol.
we ordered a birthday present for J (her birthday is really soon) i hope it gets here in time....
I got my code for the Pokemon Illustrator contest cards so I made an order for those and they came in like yesterday or something i cant remember but I also got a pichu to add to the army. Have not decided on a name. Will add picture here. He's got beans in his belly like he's a beanie baby and he feels like really interesting texture wise like kind of how a babys toy feels. I poked him on top of some of my PS2 games in the cabinet for safe keeping after snipping his tail tag (but not the like silky ones with the info). The large Pokemon Center tags are so annoying, I cant bring myself to chop them from my Pokemon sitting cuties for some reason but they're like massive and a very simple logo. So i dont feel bad about chopping it off when I do on occassion, unlike other plush which have extremely cute cardboard/paper tags attached.
I found a dress for this wedding I'm going to it's like pink flowers and green and very *pop* and that is cool : )
ciel is going to the corner store to get us eggs i think so we can have a real dinner and stuff tonight which will be nice : ) : )
sometimes i get scared when someone i love leaves the room: what if they leave and then when they come back they are someone else. and this maeks me sad i dont want to think about it but what if? man my what ifs that surf through my head drive me mental. i cant turn them off. im doing anything and the 'what if' for theoretical anything just play on loop. i resolve one in my brain but then im presented another and another. 'what if so and so remembers blank' or 'what if ciel isnt real' or 'what if j is blowing up into a million pieces' or ...
those are the ones i can type beause they arent that big of a deal to me but im sure you get what im saiyng. my anxiety makes me mad. i try . i try my best with a lot of stuff. its really hard to live your life being afraid so much, scared of like things that arent even happening or that arent even physical. i would like if my brain could be silent or if i could just like have some peace in that sense. i get scared of going to sleep. i find it hardest to go to sleep because i have a lot of nightmares andi cant get out of them. i cant make myself wake up in time.
but i dont have to lseep in my bed alone so that helps and i dnt have to be alone when i ake up even though i lways feel like im teleported to another time completely and that i *am* alone. i go to the past,i feel the sensation of old bedrooms, of my bed twirled in a different direction, sometimes i can feel the way the sun filters through different windows, i can smell the way the house smelled, i can hear the people that used to be around me like just the sounds of ordinary life from that era all around me as if id woken up in 2008 but im here. my visual stimuli can see the posters of my bedroom now and its layered on top like glass its two images coming to my senses the posters of now adn the posters of before, my old furntiure like shadowy lines humming over the creases of my kingdom hearts poster across what is now my closet. i can even see the old mirrors which are just a trip to see in that state----my subconcious mind really has a field day with that type of reflective space.
in those moments even my body feels strange, foriegn in so many ways. its so weird.
i want ot be happy like how everyone else is happy but mostly i want ot not be scared and i want to feel stable. the key problem is a lack of stability (which took me so long to recognize as being as big an issue as it was.... it wasn't until J pointed it out to me that i finally understood that point or grasped it firmly).
im trying to give myself stability, (improving sleep schedule, health, etc.) but that can be a big challenge when i know deep down im looking for stability of many different forms, in a way that requires me to depend on others. but i cant do that fairly, and i also do not want to be a burden. and really, part of the goal of any form of therapy is reparenting yourself, finding balance and stability for yourself by yourself. etc. I just dont know how to do it but i promise i am really trying. I really, really am. I dont want to be upset like this, scared like this, nervous. how can i achieve peace? how do i find rest? i know that the answer doesn't lie in staring at my computer screen, typign to a void/myself in the future. but still i type this out automatically, straight from my thoughts/feelings without giving a care of how it sounds or comes across im just automatically writing as fast as i can to just feel what i want to feel and convey it so that, five years from now, i can come back and think about what it all meant, decide something about it for myself, by myself.
its all going to be ok. i have faith in where God wants to put me. im ok. ill be ok.
love,
seph
03/03/2023
Feeling: hmmmm....
Now Playing:
Cruisin' World OST - France
otherkin ramblings
I would put this on my webmaster page but I don't have a way in my mind to format that yet so. Here goes.
I made this graphic to help describe it. So basically I have two fictionkins and the animals there sort of combine together... it's why I can't decide on a fursona because it's more a blend? I try to explain it using terms like evolution or digivolving, forming upwards and downwards, sometimes having more traits from one than the other. etc.
I don't kin for fun it's something that is important to me and signifigant.
I'll probably come back to this and add more information at some point but I just wanted to get that graphic up now that I was thinking about it.
The text refers to canons or timelines that I have memories for. There are others, I also have memories that go *against* canon.
some resources:
fromfiction.tumblr.com,
kff testimony... ++
hiii im back yeah not finishing this one I'm just gonna move on *bows in apology*
03/01/2023
Feeling: hyper but annoyed but also Happy : )
Now Playing:
Persona 4 Chill/Study Mix
I am so done with essays guys like
soooo...
Ok I'm on the last of my bigger essays for this week. So near the end of the gauntlet but this one is probably the most annoying because it's on specific characters from a specific play that I don't really have any opinion about. It's dry I'll be able to get it done I just don't... wannnnt to.
I had a nice day though today. My sleep schedule is even more messed up hoping to swing it around the opposite way.
We made homemade boba which we have nailed down to a science and had homemade chilli for dinner : ) <3
I just fucked around most of the day to be honest I don't really know exactly where it went???? I did schoolwork and that... sigh... it feels like I have no time when I have all this school stuff. Oh yeah, our prof didn't tell us that he wanted us to e-mail him our essay so going to class this morn was pointless. Eyeroll.
What was I even gonna say... ho yeah... I want to write a Sefikura AU where Sephiroth is part of a gangstalking FBI agent scheme w Cloud and Cloud is all like "I am a targeted individual Tifa please understand" and Tifa's like "Cloud you are radicalized from the Internet you need to go to a psych ward and take meds"
meanwhile: Sephiroth is like monitoring him 24/7 going to his house and touching everything measuring everything and Reno is like shuffling thru Cloud's garbage.
and Cloud meets Zack somehow online and Zack is living in a van #offgrid van life with Aerith and Aerith is like A New Age hippie type of girl and Zack is like just off the deep end talking about TheGreys and shit and Cloud's like wtf but when Cloud says he's being fucked with by Men IN Black they are the only ones who believe him.
Cloud tries to leave the city or whatever but can't everywhere he goes he's like messed with. But it's like. sexual and special and ends up getting romantic I guess if you are fucked in the head like me about that kind of thing it does. Cloud happily turns into Sephiroth's little pet and that is great for them : )
Sorry to VoloKari fans if you like me because of that I haven't updated any of my stuff and Also Sorry to VII because I have 2 other ongoing things WHICH I am going to update I swear I swear I will do it I'm just embarrassed to re-read what I wrote for all of my fics. Once I write something I just get so nervous about rereading it because... other people ahve read it and man I probably messed it all up and it's just... ahhh...
the pokemon direct was really cool I was really excited about Pokemon Sleep I need that so bad LOL. I think Paradox pokemon are cool. The DLC looks great. : )
I'll finish some stfuf I want to write fics more so I *will* write fics more and stuff. I can't wait for the summer break hopefully I'll just get time alone I swear I'm gonna have to just run away somewhere to get actualyl left alone TT_TT .....
also look this image i found i used to think it was so funny
I guess that's it for today... *hugs*,
Sephi
