Flyff Chinese Index Finger Point September

2023: September



Feeling: *static*

really not doing good lol

I promise I'll get around to answering messages. I don't think I'll be using Twitter again for a really long time. IRL has been super hard like usual, as I've been repeating. I'm so so tired. School starts in a few days.

I was doing really good with my diet but then it got kind of messed up but I'm doing a two-three day fast/detox tomorrow to recenter myself and balance myself. I need some time with God and to be clear mentally, physically. I have a few days, so I think it's a good use of the last of my time. While I'm doing that, I'll get comfortable with the pain of change and reframe the way I look at my life. Declutter my room, declutter my mind. Declutter my goals. Really look at how I spend my time and get rid of the mess, make space for a new me, a new life. Different is hard but different is good, I don't want to be like the people around me.

God lead me to the cleanse and put it on my heart what I needed to do. So I'm going to sit there and I'm going to map out my goals for the year and break them down into tiny functional categories so I can climb up towards my dreams like a ladder. There's only so much I can do but a lot of my problems stem from my sense of powerlessness, my shame, the insecurity I feel about myself and my appearance and all those things are things I can change in some respect if I put enough work in. By the way, we did end up getting a car, so that opens a whole new world for us of making my goals reality.

I'm hoping to replace my problems with negative/harmful addictions and behaviors with my creative projects like beading, and I just picked up some yarn (just two colors, doing a heart granny square of pink and white to keep it simple) of crocheting. I really enjoyed knitting and I still remember how to do it, but with crochet you can make bigger projects faster which is very appealing to me. I also want to get into quilting, mapping out the supplies I need to start work on a tshirt collage style quilt but the supplies I need are expensive so it'll have to wait until I can sell more things on Facebook marketplace.

In general I think I feel better than I did the last time I wrote, but I still don't feel anything like myself. And I feel like I'm being crushed under a hydrallic press. I haven't gotten back to anyone on anything and I feel really guilty about that but I'm not sure how I was supposed to find time. Or energy. I think energy is the most important part because I've been entertaining so much IRL.

I think it would be nice to make a lot of money so i could just do fun craft stuff and give it away to people I liked. I keep trying to make supplies to sell but I find I can't bring myself to do anything creative unless it's a present for someone I really care about or have warm feelings for. That's part of the fun of it, the thing itself is like a prayer. I'm making it and hoping and praying that you will find happiness, that my care will reach you, that you might feel it. That makes me feel all warm inside and that's the joy I feel doing it, outside of the process which is mind-numbing in the perfection of repeated motions, just enough math and calculation that I'm not able to entertain other nagging thoughts and anxieties.

Everyone was really happy to see J and Ciel. My family is nice to them, for the most part. Especially my Dad and my Aunt. Which is nice.

School is scary because I have to basically hike across campus to get to any classes and I'm not sure about seating or who my professors are but oh well. Ciel and J will help me get through it, it's just embarrassiing... I feel like I haven't recovered from anything and I haven't been able to tackle enough on my ever growing task list. Soon I'll have to juggle projects and homework... and a lot of readings. Hopefully we don't have to read really dumb books this semester. I wish our school did content warnings so you could drop classes where all of the books were 400 page sagas about irl rape and trauma. I don't want to read that for school. I don't want to sit in a room of people and be put on the spot to talk about that type of thing. It's so weird. School is so weird. School makes me feel really old now. I wonder if I'll make a friend this year that isn't someone online or someone I live with. Doubt it, because I can't even message anyone back or really even be verbal properly with anyone here anyway.

Tonight when we went for a drive to grab a drink, we took the wrong road and the gate to the ---- was left wide open. It's closed in the day. The lights were on and I tried to look inside from the passenger side. We weren't going fast but the trees were thick. There's some kind of front deck area. I couldn't make much out even though I wanted to. We turned back and then I saw that there were at least four people, all older, I think, standing around outside. But I couldn't see smoke so it wasn't like they were smoking. I tried to see more, but they just vanished into the leaves as the car pulled away. So strange. It was around 1AM. I really hate that place and being anywhere near it. I wonder what happens there. There was a really strange, sickly person who was in our class who said he was trying to go there to be part of it. Said all kinds of stuff that is demonstrably untrue. Also the type of guy really into research chemicals and thinks that he isn't the guinnea pig.

He was in one of my Christianity classes but halfway through he left and I never saw him again. He kept finding J and asking her questions but I never got to talk to him. I wonder, does he go there? I wonder what he's seen or what he knows. I wouldn't want to be part of that (obviously) but it makes me really curious and pretty scared to think about what goes on over there.